got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No...this little piggys going to the bar
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
