there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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