So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
