mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
