If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
