Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
