Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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