Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
