I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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