i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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