i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it's like iHOP with fire
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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