shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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