It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize