When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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