would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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