I am full of burrito and curiosity
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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