a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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