He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize