You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
