there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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