My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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