the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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