I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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