he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
