I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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