Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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