cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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