I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize