Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
