I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
