I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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