there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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