I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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