I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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