I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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