I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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