you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize