I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
