i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
