I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
