I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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