She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
