somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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