Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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