I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
