dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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