my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
