My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
