Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
