proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize