How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
