Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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