The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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