Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I fill condoms, not promises.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
