She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
