Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Randomize
