My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
