Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
