I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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