I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
