the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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