I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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