Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
