Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ugly people sure do ruin things
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
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